After starting a family young, I waited till my eldest was 15 before deciding it was time to have another baby. After a year of trying, I finally fell pregnant with the baby I was now so desperate for. The pregnancy was not too bad, chronic morning sickness, but I strangely enjoyed even that! As usual by the time I was 6 months people thought I was overdue, I was huge, by the time I was 34 weeks I was complaining to my midwife about how I felt both the baby and I were struggling, so much so that I asked my consultant to start me off, as my other two kids were born at 34 and 35 weeks. But he refused so I changed my consultant; the new doctor was a little more understanding but was still only prepared to induce me at 38 weeks, so reluctantly I agreed. The next week I was having slight contractions and was desperate for him (the new doctor) to listen to me as I knew we were both struggling, but again he wouldnít listen. The next day I didnít feel my baby moving at all, so I took myself to the hospital, thinking they were going to say I had a lazy baby or something, it just never crossed my mind that I could loose him at this late stage, but thatís exactly what had happened, a scan revealed no heartbeat, I was in a daze, I couldnít understand, I was stunned, I made them repeat the scan 4 times, just in case they had it wrong. But they didnít. They wanted me to go home but I refused and insisted they start me off that night. On 26th January 2006 my beautiful baby boy, jaike was born, weighing 6lb 1oz. he was so perfect, tiny little hands and feet. And so beautiful. a week later after the post mortem we had jaike home for 4 days, where me his dad and his two big brothers cuddled him all day, and he slept with me on the sofa every night, but then we had to cremate him, that was the hardest thing Iíve ever had to do, just handing him over to be put in that box.

We were all in a daze for weeks after, but we began trying again shortly after, and when I fell pregnant in August that same year we were thrilled, that pregnancy went pretty smoothly, until 22 weeks when i had a very minor bleed. But after what happened to jaike, i went straight to the hospital, they listened on a hand held device for her heartbeat, but couldnít hear anything, so I was kept in overnight and sent for a scan the next day. We went into the room with the sonographer and he said I can see a baby and I have a heartbeat, Joe and I almost jumped for joy, but then the guys face began to change, I asked him what was wrong , but he just ignored me and started pressing really hard on my belly, till I almost screamed at him to tell me what was wrong with her, I thought its ok nothing could possibly be worse than what happened to jaike, but he just sat back in his chair and said, Iím sorry but your baby has just died, Iíll never forget them words, they cut like a knife. NOT AGAIN I screamed, running out of the room , I thought if I get far enough away it wont be true, but I could hear all kinds of screaming, and it wasnít till a nurse ran towards me that I realised it was coming from me. Well I was given a tablet and sent home for 2 days, though' I donít remember being home at all. I came back 2 days later and at 1pm†my baby girl was born, jaide. She was so small, but yet perfect, her fingers and toes and even her little ears. We had our second funeral in 11 months, and it was just as hard as jaikes funeral. Iíve been on fertility now since jaide died, so 4 months, and we havenít had any news yet but were still hopeful.

I miss my babies every single day, and I always will, and when people ask I tell them I have 2 children and 2 angels, because they'll always be my special little angels. I hope they are looking after their new brother or sister just waiting for the right time to send them down to us.

I love you Jaike and Jaide and I always will, sweet dreams my babies. From your devastated Mummy.

Iíll keep you informed if I get any good news

Thanks for listening

Mandie x